What I Want

Posted on February 24, 2011


I have to remember not to eat when I’m upset. Last night I was pretty upset. Looking back I think I would have laughed had I been watching me. Emotions had been building all day. When I sat down to eat I spoke to the air. “When will I ever feel heard?” I don’t want to play hide-and-seek again. I don’t want to put on a scout shirt and add one more thing to my already over-flowing plate. I don’t want to look at these same walls anymore!

Well. What DID I want? You see I’ve learned something. A simple yet profound truth. My brain doesn’t know the difference between what I say I want and don’t want.

I can look back and see how applying what I know would have helped me move through the anger and frustration to get to what was being offered to me; the possibility to give and receive and not feel drained, manipulated or selfish. To get what I wanted.

First I ask myself, what do you want? The answer has to be the truth. And it can’t be what I DON’T want.

I knew what Madeleine, Kenny and James REALLY wanted.To play with me. I just wanted to cry because I felt like I was being forced to play!I kept saying to myself how boring that was becoming.

 But I asked myself what I wanted. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to see my children smile and hear them giggle. I wanted to feel fulfilled,  joyful, energetic and happy, etc. I wanted to feel useful. Like I was sharing myself.

 The next step is crucial. Do what’s in front of me. No questioning. No resistance.

So we played hide and seek, which turned into tickling and racing around the house, with music playing. I was content. But it was so hard to take that first step in humility, accepting that my life was as it should be.

Then it was time to put on my yellow shirt and my invisible scout hat. I resist it every week. I say things like: “I like family history. I’m not a scout person.” etc. But I applied asking what I want ( I wanted to share my gifts and talents in a mutually fulfilling way) and doing what was in front of me ( being a den leader of nine-year old boys as an assignment that I didn’t seek out nor expect)  and I went. And I had a blast. I could see my purpose when I was there. I saw how I could give who I am and receive from the boys what their unique spirits had to offer.

I believe in the laws  of attraction and intention. But I also believe we often misinterpret what we’ve been given, and cause ourselves a lot of frustration by trying to change things.

I’ve experienced what a lot of people would call “bad luck” in life. Did I attract it? No. I attracted light and knowledge. So I never see what’s “bad”, just what is possible in the situation. That’s how I’ve learned to see things.

If I had cancer does that mean I needed the lesson? Did I attract it? I don’t care. But this I know. I’m going to meet new people and have the chance to offer who I am to others. And in a way it becomes a “meant-to-be” that I wouldn’t change for anything.

I lose my job. Loser? No. I have the opportunity to stop and contemplate what I want out of life. My search for employment will be a journey that will introduce me to people and situations previously unknown. I’ll find out who I am in a new way. And I’ll know deep down it had to be this way if I was going to be fulfilled.

The list could go on. The point is all of what I want is being offered to me every day. I just have to be humble enough to see it and accept it. And courageous enough to get up and live in the moment, knowing I’m a gift to someone. And their gifts are for me, too.

I know I can’t control everything to suit me. But I can believe everything is as it should be. I know that most of the time I have planned too much and been in God’s way of helping me feel fulfilled.

But there’s always that split second of thought before resistance sets in that tells me to have faith and move forward. Works every time I listen.

Isn’t that what children do?

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