Broken Bridges. They Can Be Rebuilt.

Posted on July 9, 2011

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I remember the day I dealt with a struggle unlike any I’d dealt with before.  I don’t know how I got there, but I remember the feeling of the rug under my knees and the hollowness inside of me. I remember the shaking, desperate feelings of someone who’d suddenly had the unnoticed tether to the anchor of sanity cut. There is no other way to explain how I felt except hopeless. And there was nothing I could do to turn back time.

Any of you who know me know that I’m an open book. I’m the same on the inside as I am on the outside. I share my deepest thoughts and feelings sometimes without thinking about how they fall on other people. I never feel careless about who I am. And I’ve chosen, for good or bad, not to share what happened to me that changed  who I was so dramatically. Events aren’t as important as the effects of them. This one experience, when I felt so completely destroyed as a human being will never be shared in words. But, the healing that occurred, and the growth from it is too priceless not to be shared.

One moment I was kneeling on the floor broken. In less than an instant, as I opened my heart and was honest about how hopeless I felt I was overcome by such an intense warmth that I knew my soul had been healed. I’d never experienced anything like it before. I actually felt stronger than I had just a few seconds earlier. I wasn’t alone anymore. But, more than that, I had more insights to human nature and the divine that I hadn’t had before.

There was one shred of residual evidence from the trauma. My trust in life and people was shattered. I knew I was a whole, healthy human being who would never trust another person again the same way I had before while living on this Earth. I remember feeling very vulnerable and I was probably in shock. I was very aware of the damage that had been done by someone else and that the only part that I had any control over had just been dealt with. I felt so loved and so sorry that someone else would have to deal with the damage they’d selfishly inflicted. I knew I had a responsibility to let the pain stay in the air around me and let it dissipate, never welcoming it back or praying it would land on the guilty one in honor of the gift I’d been given. It would no longer be spoken of as a hurt inflicted upon me. I knew that if I became bitter I’d be guilty of causing pain for someone else that was probably destroying them anyways. I would never know.

So, what about trust? To me it’s a powerful and necessary ingredient of true love. Once it’s broken it can be rebuilt. I’ve heard that said so many times. For me it means rebuilt but with different materials. The original framework is there, but the spirit, the life of it is different, stronger. But often times strangers and acquaintances inflict the damage and there is no desire or opportunity or, better yet, there is no need to repair the relationship. But the damage effects other relationships. I think that all I can say is that now I know how ugly human beings can be. My eyes have been opened and they see things that were always there but I was unaware of.

I consider what happened as a lesson. Not one that I asked for or deserved or that was necessary for my personal or spiritual growth. But God turns all bad to good. And what is good is that I changed for the better. I found in a miniscule moment of my life something greater than myself. I found the strength that comes only from God. Because my beliefs are sacred to me and I won’t have them ridiculed that’s about all I will share about that. Except that I feel sorry for people who spend so much money and time in therapy who are denied knowledge of the true source of healing and try in vain to move forward, always searching and never arriving.

And what of forgiveness? My memory holds everything tightly. Time fades only some things, never erases. What in the world is forgiveness? What do you do with the loss of human innocence? What do you do with the resentment that comes when you realize that we live in a sometimes cruel world that can blind side you with hurt and disappointment? What of the anger that can unexpectedly creep in and try to convince you that you should’ve been protected?

I have an absolute knowledge that I chose to be born into a world that would test and try my commitment and desire to stay in the warmth and light that is available here. What I’m sure I didn’t know was how difficult and how vital small decisions would be to my spiritual and emotional survival. Those little things have made all the difference.

Like I said before, it was just one moment of healing. The small things that I did without thinking opened the conduit to the light that would take away any pain and surround me with love. I humbled myself and stopped thinking. I shared the indescribable pain and hopelessness that had invited themselves into my heart. And I allowed myself to trust in my God to hear me and accept me and do whatever was necessary and appropriate with my dilemma. Living the way I was, broken and despondent was not a pleasant thing to contemplate. So, I pleaded. I really had no expectations except to share the burden. And it was miraculously taken off my shoulders. I was left knowing that no matter what anyone’s beliefs, or what name you put on it, it’s a real source of power and love that helps us all get through the ugliness and grow stronger, better able to enjoy the beauties of life because we see with more humility and gratitude.

So, trusting human beings and living life fully and openly has it’s difficulties. But I’ve learned there is a God who is constant, caring, trustworthy and loving, and incredibly generous to take all of my hurts and burdens, and like a true friend, carry them because He loves me. I wouldn’t change a thing about what happened to me because of this one gift that has become a foundation that keeps me steady and moving forward into more light which warms me like sunshine on a winter’s day.

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